I have written previously that I miss the joy of watching a heart-pounding scary movie. I don’t know that I ever enjoyed slasher flicks but the thrill of being scared as someone unexpectedly crashed through a door or a menacing apparition revealed itself in a bathroom mirror was addicting.
Then I got older. My mind and its ability to suspend disbelief calcified. It became increasingly difficult to believe a young woman home alone, having heard mysterious thumping noises, would venture downstairs without turning on every light in the house along the way. Or without taking a selfie to post her tired and pouty “Just got out of bed” expression on social media.
Nor is it easy to believe that a young, socially awkward man would willingly go skinny dipping in a cursed mountain lake at midnight with a cheerleader who had spent her entire high school years tormenting him for being a geek, simply because they were dared to.
(On second thought, yes it is. High school-aged boys are wired differently than rationale thinking men. But you get the idea).
So, in an effort to get ready for a second career, and to create scary thrills my contemporaries might enjoy I’m drafting treatments for scary movies aimed at adults.
“Decade 3” will be the tale of a just turned 30 year old waking up after his birthday party and discovering that he has a stomach churning hangover after only drinking a responsible two glasses of wine and a craft beer at dinner with his wife and young daughter at his parents’ house. Throughout the day his nausea reminds him that he is no longer in his 20s and never will be again.
“CRAFTY” is the nightmare story of a 67-year-old postal worker enjoying the first day of retirement. His plan is to have a beer every day for lunch but his hopes are dashed when he discovers that no longer can he walk into a bar and order a simple draught—now he must read through a list of hundreds of craft brews while the brew master describes the ingredients of each beer and explains what food they are best paired with. Peanuts are not on the list.
“You’ll Never Leave Alive” tells the story of Maria and Adam, two 70-somethings who dream of retiring one day but can’t because of their still outstanding student loans and the cost of living in an economy that increasingly relies on young people willing to work for low wages to pay off their own suffocating debts while still living at home.
“Dear John, I miss you” is the story of a 52 year old single male with an enlarged prostate who must get up in the middle of the night dozens of times to relieve himself, but each time he does the bathroom is occupied.
“RE-CYCLE” is set in the years 2015-16 and every American has been forced by a malevolent spirit to sit in a wooden chair and watch the entire presidential campaign all over again, on a never-ending loop. Makes me scream just thinking about it.
