New year, new beginnings, new prophet. Why should ancient cultures and religious prognosticators hog the fun and attention? After all, can’t do much worse than predicting the end of the world only to wake up the next day.
Coming in 2013 I predict the creation of Jentztown. Anyone who has studied and truly understood the Coxsoussian oracles knows that Chula Vista is in for dark days. The Cassandras of the county’s second largest city have long bemoaned the influence of property owner Earl Jentz in recent elections. They wailed over the piles of gold he spent on candidates and ballot issues; they screamed from sanctified halls that one man was buying the seats of power so that one day he could unleash his nefarious minions who, in turn, would take over the city so that in place of high rise condominiums his vision of housing and community planning could come to fruition.
As the evil banker Henry Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” turned the idyllic Bedford Falls into a shabby image of his dark soul by creating Pottersville, Jentz shall bring Chula Vista closer to the precipice of darkness, so say the oracles.
So while we’re waiting for the world go to hell in a handbasket, why not spend the days watching “Sweet Jesus,” the new reality show based on the dramatic hjinks of Southern California’s favorite dysfunctional high school district Sweetwater Union High.
Named after the former superintedent who is at the center of the allegedly corrupt school board, Jesus Gandara, “Sweet Jesus” follows a gang of elected misfits as they try to navigate their way through a historic corruption trial set to begin next year while at the same time appeasing their vocal and cranky constituents.
During the series you’ll meet:
Jesus “Papa Chuy” Gandara, who quit his job after a number of news reports revealed he invited district contractors to his daughter’s wedding where they could freely give cash as gifts of congratulations;
“Crazy Uncle” John McCann, a former city councilman turned board member who develops a penchant for videotaping people in public while at the same time filing temporary restraining orders against anyone he imagines is a threat (which at times could be just about anyone);
Pearl “La Bomba” Quinoñes, the unapologetic trustee who, in the face of scandal and public censure, defiantly vows to run for re-election while hitting up all her friends, allies and everyone else for the money she needs to get back on top — all while maintaining beautifully luxuriant hair;
The rest of the wacky gang at Sweetwater Union.
I predict these and other truths shall make themselves known in the year to come.
And so it shall be.